Today was a hard day.
Not for any particular reason, or perhaps for many particular reasons. It feels like there is no good solution- if I tune into the world around me, it becomes harder and harder to feel hopeful. If I tune it out, I risk failing my community members and peers. Somewhere in the middle, there is a very delicate balance of staying informed while staying sane enough to help eachother survive. I haven't quite found it yet, but I feel like I am on a journey that will hopefully lead me there.
When TikTok was "banned" in the US, I decided to take it as an opportunity to cut myself off. I had been struggling with my usage of the app for awhile- the informational overwhelm and sedation scrolling brought me were doing much more harm than good to my daily life. I don't want to think about how many hours were eaten away on nothing in particular. While I respect the merits of how powerful of a platform it was and the wealth of communication and exposure it brought to many artists and small businesses, I think its important to remain wary of any powers-that-be with that kind of control.
While I didn't necessarily feel withdrawls in the way I was expecting, I definitely felt... weird. I had this extra time on my hands, but didn't quite know what to do with it. I still craved a sense of escape, but also felt a certain sense of peace not being tied to my phone in the way I was used to. I'm not cutting out the internet or social media altogether- but I'm trying to be really conscious of why I choose to use certain platforms, and limit my engagement when it doesn't align with my goals.
Now that it's been a few (very long) weeks, I'm starting to feel a little more settled. I've taken to watching TV or a movie while working on some sort of handicraft; swapping between cross-stitch, origami, or making valentines for friends. Again, I have not suddenly renounced all technology- a lot of my music and art engages with a variety of tech and I think things like the indie web are really powerful (and currently underutilized) forms of self-expression and connection. I'm just trying to reframe my relationship with screens- what do I care about engaging with? This answer doesn't always have to be something profound- it can be "finding a new scone recipe" or "finding out what other people think about the new Severance episode", but the point is to engage critically with myself and how I'm spending my precious few hours of free time in a day.
It's still overwhelming to tune into the news in almost any way- especially when my community and communities I care deeply about are constantly the subjects of so much targeted hate. But we as a singular person cannot possibly solve every problem: these actions by the current administration are designed to frighten us, to disorganize us. We need focus and directed collective action to make progress, and often that means taking things one step at a time.
When we can do anything, we often do nothing; the internet is a massive, gaping pit of everyhting you could possibly imagine, for better or for worse. I'm just trying to narrow my field of vision a little to form a healthier relationship with both the frivolous and serious content I enage with, so I can engage more authentically, be present for those I care about, and show up for my communities both physical and digital.